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A Simple Relationship Tool for Men

No Comments 23 July 2014

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TNM-360-Icon-1400This is the fourth episode in this series where we’re exploring some of the big ideas in The New Man 360 audio course. Relationships are a big part of the course, and today we’re going to review a simple relationship tool for men.

Why Should We Care About Relationships?

Because everything of true value and deep meaning is a product of the relationships in our lives. Relationships open doors and create opportunities.

Relationships are the key to what makes our lives meaningful. Just go talk to somebody on their deathbed. Most of them are going to highlight their relationships.

So if relationships are so critical to our lives, let’s stop fumble-fucking our way through them shall we?

How to Stop Neediness and Drama

A big idea I want to share with you right now focuses on how your relationships with others is built upon on the relationship you have with yourself.

Let’s stop and think about that for a second. What kind of a relationship do you have with yourself? Are you mired in self-criticism? Do you bullshit yourself? Or are you an ally to yourself? Are you someone who respects and honors who you are in the world?

It’s pretty simple, but the easiest way to improve your relationships with others is to improve your relationship with yourself. To start valuing yourself. When we do this we tolerate less bullshit, we do what we say we’re going to do, we honor what we’re thinking and feeling and wanting, and we’re willing to rock the boat in service of what we truly want.

Start with You

When we learn how to value ourselves, it’s much harder to lose ourselves in a relationship or to play a role in order to keep someone around. It’s much harder to become a doormat or a nice guy or someone who is insensitive to what others are going through.

When we develop a strong relationship with ourselves we are less needy of others. We stop depending on them to figure out what will make us happy. We take responsibility for our own happiness.

When we develop a strong relationship with ourselves we don’t get sucked into drama. We don’t play the victim. We refuse to play the villain. And we stop trying to fix or rescue others as well.

Here Comes the Tough Love

If you’re complaining about the quality of the relationships in your life then take a look in the mirror. You are the common denominator in all of them. This may be tough to hear, but it’s good news because that means you are also able to change how you show up. And showing up differently means your relationships are going to be different, too.

So this is just one idea we explore in The New Man 360 audio course that covers what really matters and what really works when it comes to:

  • Dialing in Your Mindset
  • Avoiding Traps
  • Getting out of Ruts
  • Navigating Relationships
  • Aligning Your Work in the World
  • As well as the practices that will actually make this stuff stick.

Click here to learn more about The New Man 360.

In our next episode — the last in this series — we’re going to answer the questions, “Do I have to make money doing what I love? Do I have to make a living by living my purpose?”

Everything Else, Fitness & The Body, Money & Career, Podcast Episodes, Purpose & Inner Game, Relationships & Sex

How to Get Out of a Rut

No Comments 21 July 2014

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TNM-360-Icon-1400In the third part of this series covering some of the big ideas in The New Man 360 audio course, I want to talk about how to get out of a rut.

Now, I’ve been in ruts that have lasted for days, and I’ve been in ruts that lasted for years. It’s awful. It takes such a toll on our energy, self-esteem, and quality of life.

So right now, I’m going to share a little checklist I developed for getting my ass — as well as quite a few other asses — out of a rut. But here’s the kicker — it’s only works if you do the work. There are no free lunches here.

Here we go:

1. Do Your Fundamentals

This is non-negotiable. Simply put, the fundamentals are the activities or practices that have you feel stronger. Exercise, eating well, sleeping well. Doing some kind of a gratitude practice. A daily meditation practice. If you’re not doing these things consistently, it’s hard to imagine how you could possibly function at a high level. Do the fundamentals. Period. Whether you feel like doing them or not. Your resistance isn’t going to give you permission to change. You just gotta do it. Most of us are putting them off until we get out of this rut. It’s the other way around — we get out of the rut because we do what strengthens us.

2. Clarify What You Want

Most of the time when we’re in a rut we get critical. We dwell on stuff in the past. Or maybe we’re focusing too far into the future. All of these things can kill our momentum. Why? Because they take our eye off of two things: What we want and what we can do right now.

So here’s what to do:

Take five minutes everyday to just write down what you want on the most mundane level. What shirt do you actually feel like wearing? What food do you actually feel like eating? What route do you actually feel like driving? Don’t just follow the routine. Get out of autopilot. Dial in to what you want and then take action very simple action. Do this enough and you’ll begin to hone in on what you want on a larger level. Use this process to train yourself how to clarify what you want and follow through. Imagine you’re building a fire. Start small. Keep it simple. Get over yourself. Shoot for good enough and build from there. This is how we build momentum.

3. Commit

Again — start small. Commit to the smallest outcomes you want to see in the time frame you want to see it. Let go of perfection. Be prepared to fall short, to screw up, and to have off days. It’s part of the process. When you are 100% committed to seeing it through, it doesn’t matter if you stumble along the way. You know you will reach your destination through your perseverance and determination. If you really want to make progress, then seal the exits. Don’t give yourself the option to go backwards. Don’t wait for yourself to be in the mood to do it. Just do it.

4. Trust Yourself

Many times we’re stuck because we’re afraid to take risks and fail. So plan on it. Make failure an option. Trust that you will get up when you fall down. When you stick your neck out, you will recover. If you don’t get it right, you will be ok. Trust that you have what it takes. You do. It’s only your doubt that will have you believe otherwise.

5. Share What You’re Doing With Other People

Don’t be a lone wolf. Allow others to help you. People will have your back if you’re willing to open up and share what you’re up to. If you don’t share, you will receive no support. You’d be surprised at how much a little support and reinforcement will keep you going. Only morons believe they’re the only ones going through something. You’re not a moron.

6. Course Correct

Most of the time we’re stuck because we need a foolproof plan. This doesn’t exist. Stop trying to gauge things based on speculation about what could happen. Instead, get started and then course correct based on your actual experience. Actually do the thing and get some real world feedback. Recalibrate and move forward. Nothing is more valuable than the actual experience.

If you’re willing to stick to this checklist you will get out of a rut. I have no doubts. The challenge lies in finding the smallest step you’re willing to take. The smallest risks you’re willing to make. Reduce the challenge, reduce the risk and take action. Then repeat.

This is just one of the areas we explore in The New Man 360 audio course that covers what really matters and what really works when it comes to:

  • Dialing in Your Mindset
  • Avoiding Traps
  • Getting out of Ruts
  • Navigating Relationships
  • Aligning Your Work in the World
  • As well as the practices that will actually make this stuff stick.

Click here to learn more about The New Man 360.

In the next episode we’re going to explore one of the basic foundations for creating and navigating relationships.

Everything Else, Fitness & The Body, Money & Career, Podcast Episodes, Purpose & Inner Game, Relationships & Sex

How to Avoid the Traps Most Guys Fall Into

No Comments 18 July 2014

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TNM-360-Icon-1400In the second part of this series covering some of the big ideas in The New Man 360 audio course, I want to tell you about a guy I meet pretty often. In fact, I got to know him quite well. Today we’re talking about The Self-Development Jackass.

Oh yeah. I knew this guy well because he was me. Maybe you can relate to him as well.

Are You Trapped in These BS Beliefs?

Here are just some of the limiting beliefs he falls prey to from time to time:

If I just had more information, or more knowledge, or more analysis then I would feel less pain or discomfort.

In other words, The Self-Development Jackass is trying to run away from his emotions by gathering more information. For guys, our emotional world can be downright baffling. We’ve been taught to stuff it since we were little kids. We’ve learned lots of ways to go into our heads in order to escape the feelings in our bodies.

But at some point we have to realize that our true power comes online when we learn how to integrate our emotional world. Instead of fearing it and using more analysis and information to push it away, we can learn how to experience it, listen to it and let it guide us to what we truly want in our lives.

This is the pathway to feeling more alive, to feeling more fulfillment, joy, flow — it’s the pathway to feeling anything we really want to experience.

What About This One?

I can’t slow down or stop moving forward because I haven’t done XYZ yet or because there is more to improve.

In his quest to improve himself, The Self-Development Jackass has lost his ability to appreciate what he’s already accomplished and who he is in this moment. All he can see are the deficiencies. In this world, nothing is ever good enough or acceptable — but the process never ends. And this is a recipe for depression and exhaustion.

The truth is we’ll never find satisfaction and fulfillment in whatever we’re creating if we can’t be grateful for what we already have. In other words — we need to learn how to appreciate what we’ve got while also having a strong desire for what we’re creating.

Or Maybe This One?

If I just get this technique, this model, or information ‘correct’, then I’ll never feel scared, vulnerable, or challenged again. I’ll be free from the bullshit life throws my way.

This is where the Self-Development Jackass believes there is a panacea — a velvet-rope VIP area where a special few are rewarded for their efforts and finally freed of the challenges life throws our way — specifically the things that scare us or have us feel vulnerable.

We tell ourselves that once we cross this finish line that we’ll finally be free to live how we really want to live. We’ll be free to do what we really want to do. We’ll give ourselves permission to finally relax and create the life we want.

There is no such place. For anyone. It doesn’t matter how much money or knowledge or body fat you may have. If you actually want to feel alive there’s always a risk close by. There’s always vulnerability.

So while you can improve your abilities to handle what life throws at you, don’t fall into the trap that says you’ll ever be exonerated from these challenges. Instead get out there, be willing to take some risks, and live your life instead of waiting until it’s safe.

It’s Time to Dive Deeper

So these are just some of the traps I talk about avoiding in The New Man 360 audio course that covers what really matters and what really works when it comes to:

  • Dialing in Your Mindset
  • Avoiding Traps
  • Getting out of Ruts
  • Navigating Relationships
  • Aligning Your Work in the World
  • As well as the practices that will actually make this stuff stick.

Click here to learn more about The New Man 360.

In the next episode, we’re going to explore a checklist I’ve used to help myself and many others get out of a rut.

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