Sounds strange, but sometimes it’s hard to tell when something is good or bad for us.

Consider this — there are two types of burns in your life.

The Good Burn — You’re at the gym. You’re working out. You’re pushing your edge. It’s uncomfortable. It’s difficult. It’s challenging. You’re huffing and puffing. You’re convinced that your lung is going to fall out of your mouth. It doesn’t.

AND in some ways it feels good. Afterwards there’s a smile. A sense of satisfaction. “I did it!” Even if you’re tired there’s greater energy. The tired is a “good” tired. You sleep better after The Good Burn.

The Good Burn is about growth.

It’s burning through the stuff that’s holding you back and making way for a greater possibility. The Good Burn brings confidence. The Good Burn expands your capacity to deal with intensity.

The Bad Burn — You’re working the grill. You space out. There’s a sizzling sound — your flesh is being torched. You lose skin and perhaps worse, dinner is delayed.

You are weakened. You lose money treating the burn. You are in pain long after the initial event. You continue to drain energy tending to this burn, working to help it heal. You stress. You beat yourself up. You lose sleep from The Bad Burn.

The Bad Burn takes away from who you are. The Good Burn contributes.

So what are The Good Burns in your life? What activities, what relationships challenge you to be a happier, more fulfilled version of you?

What are The Bad Burns in your life? What activities or relationships drain you and take away from who you really are?

Get to know what qualifies as The Good Burn for you. Be willing to take the heat from time to time.

Identify The Bad Burns and swiftly eliminate whomever or whatever they are from your life.

Tripp

PS If you’re not sure *how* to eliminate The Bad Burns in your life and want to orient your life around The Good Stuff then CLICK HERE to fill out a coaching questionnaire.

The last post I wrote you talked about why we get into a “stinky” mood when we assume that what we want is going to cause a problem with our partner, etc.

I laid out a simple 3-part process to guide you through getting what you want without being a jerk. Click here to read it again.

I thought you’d be interested in an exchange I had with a reader after he read the post I just mentioned.

This is what he wrote me:

“My gal does make a big stink and says I am selfish. I ask for what I want and I get major resistance and upset. There really is a bogy-woman under the bed and she’s very unhappy with me. Do I ditch her or is there a process of being with her upset and tolerating her when what I want and what she wants are at odds?”

My response:

Based on what I wrote in the post — If your gal makes a big stink and thinks you’re selfish for…

(1) “checking out an assumption”

(2) making a request for something that would feed you while

(3) maintaining your responsibilities in the relationship

THEN I would seriously consider why I am in that relationship.

What I Would Do

She’s entitled to her reaction; however, if it were “the norm” for her to throw a fit for simply trying to have a discussion then I would leave the relationship.

The point of my original post was to call out that it’s our responsibility to clarify what we want and bring that to the table for discussion. Most of the time, the fears have us holding back and most of the time the fears are false.

The Whole Point of Having a Relationship

I believe relationships are here to *help* the individuals involved — imagine that! The relationship is a sanctuary, a place we go to be recharged, fed and loved through giving and receiving.

If the relationship is encouraging each individual to contort and dismiss their needs/wants then it’s far from ideal. Why would we participate in something that *takes away* from who we are?

I would not tolerate a partner that was unwilling to see my side or was unwilling to consider options that would benefit both of us. In fact, that doesn’t sound like a partner at all — that sounds like a tyrant. It goes both ways.

Relationships are hard

They’re probably the hardest thing we’ll engage in during our lifetime. Even if you’re “getting it right” you’re still going to have bumps in the road.

That said, I would encourage all of us to raise the bar for ourselves and our partner. Be an adult in your relationship and expect that from your her. Co-create more possibilities for one another while taking full responsibility for yourself and your needs.

Divas and Princesses

This approach will repel a lot of potential partners — the princesses and divas to be sure. And it will call in the juicy, amazing match we truly want.

What You Can Do

So, would you rather be alone or in a stifling relationship?

Click here to learn more about how we can work together to help you navigate your relationships with greater confidence.

Do you smell that stinky, toxic smell?

You wake up. It’s just another day. Another day filled with obligations. You “have to” do this. You “have to” do that.

You’re running the hamster wheel. You’re drained. You’re fun-repellant.

That stinky, toxic smell? It’s YOU.

You are stinkin’ up the place with that double-flusher of a mood.

You’re drained because you’re denying yourself what will replenish and rejuvenate you. The obligations come first — what you want can wait.

Now here’s the real stinker — You’re assuming that if you speak up for what you want then something crappy will happen. There’s a boogeyman hiding under the bed.

Interesting idea? Let’s take a look.

STEP ONE: Identify what you want. Take a few minutes. What would energize you today? What would make the day fun? What would put gas back IN your tank today? (If this part is already challenging you then we’re on the right track.)

STEP TWO: Identify the assumption (the fear) you have. Complete this sentence: “If I were to __________ then _________ would happen.” For instance: “If I were to take the evening to go spend a few hours at a movie, my loved ones might feel like I don’t care about them.”

Get specific. This is you describing the boogeyman. What kind of eyes and claws and teeth does this bad boy have? Paint the picture.

STEP THREE: Check it out. Get curious. Speak up with whomever is involved. “I have a story that says if I were to ________ then you would ________. I’m wondering if this is really true?”

Eliminate the assumptions. Go for hard data. Be explicit. (Note: if you’re feeling defensive right now then we’re REALLY on to something.)

This isn’t about being irresponsible.

Quite the opposite. This is about you taking a stand for yourself AND your responsibilities. It’s a both/and instead of an either/or.

This third step is where we grab a flashlight and look under the bed. Is there really a boogeyman under there? Or is it just a dust bunny with the amazing power to drain your life?

So — no more assumptions. Take these 3 simple steps for yourself.

And light a candle, will ya?

Tripp

PS I’ve helped many of my coaching clients clarify what they want, speak up about it and realize that the boogeyman that had been under their bed — sometimes for years — was completely imagined.

CLICK HERE to learn more about how we can work together to get the boogeyman out from under your bed.

6/8/11 UPDATE

Here’s an interesting exchange I had with a reader — Is it Time to Let Her Go? Click here to read it.