I was recently interviewed for The Good Men Project Magazine about my life, my father and other fun stuff. Enjoy. — Tripp

We sit down with Tripp Lanier, life coach and host of The New Man Podcast, to discuss how to live a kick-ass life, get what you want, and avoid becoming a middle-aged grouch. Rule number one: never, ever bullshit yourself. Continue Reading

“That’s right. I said it. You. Suck.”

This guy was a dick, I thought. And then I heard another, collapsed voice followed by a pitiful sigh.

“I suck. I really do suck. I don’t deserve to be here. I’m not worthy. I should just leave.”

Ewwwwww. I really didn’t care for this voice.

I was four days into a meditation retreat. I was “witnessing” a dialog between two voices — Two voices that lived within me. Two voices within me that I didn’t like. Two voices within me that I wanted to keep locked away.

THE BULLY-CRITIC AND THE WUSS

Deep within me is a voice, a belief that no matter what I do it’s just not good enough. A part of me thinks I suck it big time. It’s insatiable. It’s the critic of all critics. The sniper of all snipers. He’s a big bully and a total dick.

Sitting across from him was another part of me — this pitiful, collapsed, sorry excuse for a voice — and he took every punch the bully-critic threw. Funny thing is, I disliked this voice even more. I couldn’t stand to be with this neutered, emasculated part of me. I wanted to hide this from myself and the world. Especially the world.

So another voice emerged to disprove them both. The voice that says, “I do not suck. And I’ll prove it to you.”

I DON’T SUCK AND I’LL PROVE IT

Now here came the big one. It was like that moment in Fight Club where the main character realized HE was Tyler Durden.

Right then and there I could see how my ENTIRE life was seemingly a series of events and actions all designed to try and prove one thing:

I do not suck.

Oh the list is long — the clothes, the friends, the cars, the guitars, the girls, the tweets, the stories — you name it. Chances are it was easy to trace any one of those back to this voice who was busting his ass to prove one thing:

I do not suck.

If I sucked I wouldn’t be loved. I wouldn’t be accepted. I wouldn’t be special. I would end up alone and ultimately a failure.

There was work to do. If I was not going to suck, I needed to fortify myself to criticism from others. I needed a constantly updating strategy and impenetrable defenses. I needed to make sure that I found that balance between being special, but not too special.

ENOUGH ALREADY

As I sat there on the cushion “watching” all of this unfold, I realized “not sucking” is exhausting. I was so f’n tired of trying to prove that I didn’t suck. I could feel the weight of the constant vigil, the constant assessments, defenses and judgements. I wanted out.

So I asked myself, “What if you did NOT have to prove anything to yourself or anyone else ever again? What if you could do this AND you would still be loved and accepted?”

Hmmm. Wheels began to turn.

I felt a huge weight begin to lift. But, is that even possible? No way. Not ever.

I mean, what would I DO? MOST of my life was somehow oriented around this directive of being okay with myself and others.

Could I really just, let it all go? Could I really just ACCEPT who I was — as I was?

What if I didn’t have to DO anything in order to be loved or accepted? What if I could just BE myself and THAT was enough?

This was exhilarating AND terrifying. Even though I was exhausted by playing out this soap opera all of the time, I was more scared of NOT doing it.

• What if I really was a failure?
• What if everyone I loved left me?
• What if I ended up all alone?

And then there were the practical issues…

• What the hell would I DO with my life?
• Would I turn into Marlon Brando and get super fat?
• Would my life have any meaning or direction?

What. Would. I. DO?

HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED FROM A GIRL WHO POOPS HER PANTS

My daughter Be is almost 8 months old as I write this. Each day, more and more of her essence shines through. Even though she can’t speak words or do much more than roll around and crap her diaper, WHO SHE IS speaks loud and clear.

And she owns my heart. It’s a cliche but she is the light of my life. I have yet to meet another child who is loved this much and she doesn’t really DO anything. She’s just herself. She’s just Be.

She radiates pure joy. She embodies curiosity. She is love. She is play.

She hasn’t yet developed an inner critic or loser. She hasn’t yet developed a script that she’ll need to DO something in order to be loved.

And so as I struggled to figure out “what to DO”, I realized that I just needed to remember who I am underneath it all. I just needed to trust that BEING me was enough.

(And I’m even trying to remember it now as I work to get this writing “just right” so I can prove that I’m blah, blah, blah…)

THE LESSON?

There’s nothing to prove. To be myself means I’ll tap into that naturally happy and curious essense. And I know I’ve gotten off track when I’m being a total douche that’s trying to prove, you guessed it, that I don’t suck.

Is it easy to remember this lesson? Not really. But knowing that I don’t really have to DO (or build or effort) something is a big relief. I was already born happy and curious. I just need to remember to sack up and be me.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

How is your life arranged to disprove any notion that you may suck?

How is bullshitting yourself affecting your love life? Your sex life?

How is this exhausting pattern steering your career towards a dead end?

How is this pattern affecting your ability to do what you really love?

If this story resonates with you and you’d like to actually do something about it, here’s what I want you to do:

Click here to fill out a questionnaire and request a time for us to chat about working together. We can discuss how I can help you ditch the bullshit charade without having your whole life implode.

That’s it.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Tripp

PS Please take a moment to forward this story to anyone you feel will benefit from not sucking anymore.

PPS FOR THE LADIES

If you’re tired of dating (or marrying) wimps, please contact me to learn more about a program I’m developing just for you. Again, click here to fill out a few questions and I’ll hit you back. Talk soon.

Today I want to tell you about Dave. Dave was being pissed on and he wanted it to stop.

Dave was in his early 40’s when he contacted me (Dave’s not his real name BTW). In his coaching application he claimed he wanted to find his true passion and purpose in the world while eliminating the crap that was holding him back. My kinda guy.

But when I talked with Dave, I heard a much sadder story.

Around the office he was exhausted from taking on others’ responsibilities, his kids were drifting away and to top it all off his wife had revealed that she’d been having sex with another man.

Dave was the kind of guy that seemed to have it all together; however, upon closer inspection his life was a mess. Even though he was moving up the ladder in a major company, Dave was actually underneath everyone’s shoes.

He was the classic “nice guy” and he was severely paying the price. Dave was more comfortable being bent over a barrel than he was telling someone just one simple word — “NO”.

The cost? He was at the end of the rope with work. He kept reflexively saying yes to more responsibilities even though he could barely keep his chin above water. His marriage was in shambles, and he was aware that he was setting an example for his children — in his words, a bad example.

Dave was a big fan of The New Man Podcast but listening wasn’t going to be enough. If Dave didn’t take action soon, his life was headed for the shitter.

And the only one to “blame” for this situation? Dave. Dave was responsible for the way he was being treated. And as sad as that may sound, I saw this as really good news.

Why? Because it meant that Dave could now take the reins and teach others how he really wanted to be treated. If we wanted to, Dave could turn his life around.

THE FALSE BELIEF

You see, in Dave’s world, he had a squirrelly belief that if he were to take a stand for what he wanted, it may hurt or upset someone else in some way. He wanted to keep everything nice and neat and safe and he did this by just saying “Yes” to everything.

Sounds a little silly, but many of us do this in some way (I wish I could say I did not). Many of us play small when it comes to our desires because we want to fit in. We want to keep others close to us. We want to make sure we do whatever we can so we don’t upset the balance.

From this limited point of view, individually “owning” what we want threatens our deep desire to keep things safe. The result? We sell ourselves out and become the world’s doormat. In this process of laying it all down for others, we hope that we’ll be taken care of in return (insert loser buzzer sound here).

But think about it — if you’re not going to stand up for what you want — who will?

Dave couldn’t see how he could have things his way without becoming the “inconsiderate jerk”. To him, being the “nice guy”, the “Yes Man” was the only way. He didn’t see the middle way — a way to claim what he wanted while being considerate to others and without having to be an asshole.

THE YES MAN AND THE REAL DAVE

The Yes Man was the guy within Dave’s brain who held this false belief near and dear.

It was obvious that the Yes Man only cared about making others happy and to avoid conflict at any cost. Meanwhile the Real Dave paid that cost with exhaustion and humiliation. In fact, before Dave could even give himself the time to consider what he may want in any given situation, the Yes Man had already spoken up for him. This guy was quick!

So this is where we started our work. We had to two things:

1. Intercept the Yes Man. Through presence and awareness practices, Dave was able to see the behaviors he was reflexively doing. Awareness would give him the opportunity to make a better choice.
2. Reveal The Real Dave. Who was this guy buried underneath all of the responsibilities, fears and guilt? What did he — The Real Dave — truly care about? What did he — The Real Dave — really want in any given situation?

Asking these questions was monumental for him. He’d never considered them. He’d never allowed himself the opportunity. He was in tears of joy at the possibility of coming out from behind the shadow of a persona that eclipsed his passion and integrity.

Dave’s homework was very simple in that it required him to slow down and decide what he really wanted — even at the most mundane level — in any given situation. No longer was he going to leave this decision up to someone else.

Very quickly, Dave developed the capacity to recognize the reflexive action of the Yes Man and this awareness allowed him to slow things down (remember Neo dodging bullets at the end of The Matrix?) so he could check in with what he truly wanted.

Instead of getting steamrolled by his automated Yes Man, the voice of The Real Dave began to emerge within. The Real Dave began to reveal his preferences. The Real Dave began to gain power.

But it wasn’t going to be enough to just make these distinctions . . . so I pushed him further.

WALKING THE TALK

Dave still had a big challenge. He wanted The Real Dave to be the one who showed up in his work meetings. He wanted The Real Dave to show up at the dinner table. He wanted The Real Dave to ravish his wife.

Dave had to learn how to SPEAK UP and this meant confronting his fear of being a jerk — and consequently losing his job, his wife and everything he cared about. We practiced and practiced and like a new foal Dave emerged has an f’n stallion! (Insert cool stallion sound here)

At work, Dave told his boss that he was full with responsibilities and that he wanted more time available for his wife and family. Did his ass get canned? No. Instead of losing his position he got a promotion.

At home (and with the help of a marriage counselor) Dave found his voice and spoke up for what he wanted. Instead of waiting for someone to come up with a plan, he took the initiative and laid out a vision for their marriage moving forward and invited her into it. Did this cause a shitstorm? No. They’re now rebuilding their marriage with full participation and co-leadership.

The bottom line is that, through our work Dave got the tools he needed to find his balls without having to buy a firearm, a muscle car or one of those barbed-wire arm tattoos. He learned how to access what he wanted, how to speak up and how to do so without being a dick. He confronted the terrifying myth that said if he claimed what he wanted in life that it would end in a firestorm of hurt, anxiety and dread.

The result?

He’s more trustworthy to others and most importantly himself.

He reclaimed his dignity his family and his life.

He’s tapping into his passion and finding real meaning in his life.

And from a practical standpoint, who knows how much money he saved by avoiding a messy divorce, alimony and child support.

Is he “cured” from being a Yes Man? No. He’ll most likely always have to practice the fundamentals we laid out. But he’s got the resources he needs to turn these new habits into a way of being that honors who he truly is deep down. The Yes Man no longer owns Dave.

SO WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Are you like Dave? Are you hiding out underneath the shoes of others? Afraid to speak up for what you want because you don’t want to rock the boat or possibly be an asshole?

What is your “nice guy” conditioning going to ultimately cost you? Is it keeping you from finding the right partner? Is it killing your current relationship? Are you stuck in a position at work while others seem to glide past you with promotions?

I want you to imagine what your life would be like if you took full responsibility and gave yourself the opportunity Dave gave himself. What would that be like for you?

I’ve worked with quite a few “Daves”. If this post resonates with you I want you to:

1. Click here to send me an email and
2. Request a time to discuss working together. Please only contact me if you’re ready to commit and get to work.

Deal?

I look forward to hearing from you,

Tripp

PS And, as always, please forward this post to any potential “nice guys” you may know. Don’t hold back. If you and your friends talk about this guy behind his back, if you’ve been wanting to say something but you haven’t been sure how, just do it. Do it out of love and respect. Give this guy a wake up call. Thanks.

PPS For more great information on “The Nice Guy Syndrome” click here to check out my interview with Dr Robert Glover, author of “No More Mr Nice Guy.” Enjoy.