The last post I wrote you talked about why we get into a “stinky” mood when we assume that what we want is going to cause a problem with our partner, etc.
I laid out a simple 3-part process to guide you through getting what you want without being a jerk. Click here to read it again.
I thought you’d be interested in an exchange I had with a reader after he read the post I just mentioned.
This is what he wrote me:
“My gal does make a big stink and says I am selfish. I ask for what I want and I get major resistance and upset. There really is a bogy-woman under the bed and she’s very unhappy with me. Do I ditch her or is there a process of being with her upset and tolerating her when what I want and what she wants are at odds?”
My response:
Based on what I wrote in the post — If your gal makes a big stink and thinks you’re selfish for…
(1) “checking out an assumption”
(2) making a request for something that would feed you while
(3) maintaining your responsibilities in the relationship
THEN I would seriously consider why I am in that relationship.
What I Would Do
She’s entitled to her reaction; however, if it were “the norm” for her to throw a fit for simply trying to have a discussion then I would leave the relationship.
The point of my original post was to call out that it’s our responsibility to clarify what we want and bring that to the table for discussion. Most of the time, the fears have us holding back and most of the time the fears are false.
The Whole Point of Having a Relationship
I believe relationships are here to *help* the individuals involved — imagine that! The relationship is a sanctuary, a place we go to be recharged, fed and loved through giving and receiving.
If the relationship is encouraging each individual to contort and dismiss their needs/wants then it’s far from ideal. Why would we participate in something that *takes away* from who we are?
I would not tolerate a partner that was unwilling to see my side or was unwilling to consider options that would benefit both of us. In fact, that doesn’t sound like a partner at all — that sounds like a tyrant. It goes both ways.
Relationships are hard
They’re probably the hardest thing we’ll engage in during our lifetime. Even if you’re “getting it right” you’re still going to have bumps in the road.
That said, I would encourage all of us to raise the bar for ourselves and our partner. Be an adult in your relationship and expect that from your her. Co-create more possibilities for one another while taking full responsibility for yourself and your needs.
Divas and Princesses
This approach will repel a lot of potential partners — the princesses and divas to be sure. And it will call in the juicy, amazing match we truly want.
What You Can Do
So, would you rather be alone or in a stifling relationship?
Click here to learn more about how we can work together to help you navigate your relationships with greater confidence.
