This is the final episode in this series where we explore some of the big ideas in The New Man 360 audio course. And one of the things we talk about a lot in the course is this notion of purpose.
I want to address a myth I hear a lot from stressed out, grumpy guys. It goes something like this:
I have to find my purpose in the world! And I also have to pay the bills doing what I love!
Do you have to make money doing what you love?
This is quite a trap. First there’s this idea that your purpose it “out there.” It’s some role or activity or goal or finish line. While these things can be very purposeful, it’s a mistake to attach our self-identity and self-worth to them.
Why? Because our experience of doing them will change. At one point, doing XYZ may have made Joe feel very alive and given him a strong sense of meaning. He may have said that XYZ was his purpose. But how does he feel about it 5, 10, 20 years later? It would be a tall order to expect that he would still have the same experience. After all — change is the only constant.
I believe our purpose is the experience of feeling more alive, to experience that state of flow while doing it, to feel that sense of meaning, to feel the peace of mind it brings, to feel more open-hearted and loving, to feel more free. It’s the experience, not the thing itself. The thing itself — the activity, the goal, the mission — is just a pathway to the experience.
For instance, I’ve always been creative. As a kid I loved to draw. Then I got into music. And then I got into creating TV shows and programs. And in the last ten or so years I’ve enjoyed the creative process of coaching and helping others through The New Man Podcast.
For me, it’s always been about the experience of creating — whether it was a literally painting or helping others see their lives as the canvas. Had I married myself to just drawing or just music I’d be miserable. The purpose has always been to honor that amazing experience of creating while being willing to let that guide me wherever it may go. I have no idea what is next. But I’m sure change will come.
Bottom line: Your passion is not some thing or activity. Passion is simply an experience, and the path will change. Be willing to change with it.
So now let’s address the second part of that statement:
I have to have my purpose support me financially.
Yikes. What a ton of pressure to put on something that is so rewarding. I meet so many guys that say they don’t know what they want to do, and when I ask them what they would do if they didn’t have to make money from it they rattle off a list of things they love to do.
And the sad thing is they’re not doing what they love because they can’t justify doing it because it doesn’t make money. They’ve used money as a way to justify whether something was worth doing. What a waste!
So let’s flip it: Imagine if your job, your relationships, where you live, how you live — imagine all of this was here to empower you to do what you love. Imagine if all of these things were aligned to actually help you do what you love and to do what has you feel a deep sense of joy, flow, and meaning.
Because that is how it is.
Big takeaway here: Your job empowers your purpose. Not the other way around.
Stop using your job or your finances as an excuse to avoid doing what you love. Figure out how much you need to live per month and do what you love to do. Then get creative and find ways to earn that number in a manner that empowers you to do what you love.
Simple? Yes. Easy? Not unless you practice.
Take the pressure off of what you love to do to carry your financial load. Just start doing it at the level you currently can. Get really good at creating this experience in your life. You never know where it may lead you, but your life will be much, much more fulfilling.
And by doing this you’ll be much more enjoyable to be around. You’ll be way more generous and open hearted. You’ll be a better husband, father, and friend. And your positive energy will be a reminder that we need to get off of our own asses and do what we love, too.
Dialing in your sense of purpose is just one of the ideas we explore in The New Man 360 audio course that covers what really matters and what really works when it comes to:
Here’s to you, me, all of us living a life we really love.
Thanks for listening.
This is the fourth episode in this series where we’re exploring some of the big ideas in The New Man 360 audio course. Relationships are a big part of the course, and today we’re going to review a simple relationship tool for men.
Because everything of true value and deep meaning is a product of the relationships in our lives. Relationships open doors and create opportunities.
Relationships are the key to what makes our lives meaningful. Just go talk to somebody on their deathbed. Most of them are going to highlight their relationships.
So if relationships are so critical to our lives, let’s stop fumble-fucking our way through them shall we?
A big idea I want to share with you right now focuses on how your relationships with others is built upon on the relationship you have with yourself.
Let’s stop and think about that for a second. What kind of a relationship do you have with yourself? Are you mired in self-criticism? Do you bullshit yourself? Or are you an ally to yourself? Are you someone who respects and honors who you are in the world?
It’s pretty simple, but the easiest way to improve your relationships with others is to improve your relationship with yourself. To start valuing yourself. When we do this we tolerate less bullshit, we do what we say we’re going to do, we honor what we’re thinking and feeling and wanting, and we’re willing to rock the boat in service of what we truly want.
When we learn how to value ourselves, it’s much harder to lose ourselves in a relationship or to play a role in order to keep someone around. It’s much harder to become a doormat or a nice guy or someone who is insensitive to what others are going through.
When we develop a strong relationship with ourselves we are less needy of others. We stop depending on them to figure out what will make us happy. We take responsibility for our own happiness.
When we develop a strong relationship with ourselves we don’t get sucked into drama. We don’t play the victim. We refuse to play the villain. And we stop trying to fix or rescue others as well.
If you’re complaining about the quality of the relationships in your life then take a look in the mirror. You are the common denominator in all of them. This may be tough to hear, but it’s good news because that means you are also able to change how you show up. And showing up differently means your relationships are going to be different, too.
So this is just one idea we explore in The New Man 360 audio course that covers what really matters and what really works when it comes to:
In our next episode — the last in this series — we’re going to answer the questions, “Do I have to make money doing what I love? Do I have to make a living by living my purpose?”
In the third part of this series covering some of the big ideas in The New Man 360 audio course, I want to talk about how to get out of a rut.
Now, I’ve been in ruts that have lasted for days, and I’ve been in ruts that lasted for years. It’s awful. It takes such a toll on our energy, self-esteem, and quality of life.
So right now, I’m going to share a little checklist I developed for getting my ass — as well as quite a few other asses — out of a rut. But here’s the kicker — it’s only works if you do the work. There are no free lunches here.
Here we go:
This is non-negotiable. Simply put, the fundamentals are the activities or practices that have you feel stronger. Exercise, eating well, sleeping well. Doing some kind of a gratitude practice. A daily meditation practice. If you’re not doing these things consistently, it’s hard to imagine how you could possibly function at a high level. Do the fundamentals. Period. Whether you feel like doing them or not. Your resistance isn’t going to give you permission to change. You just gotta do it. Most of us are putting them off until we get out of this rut. It’s the other way around — we get out of the rut because we do what strengthens us.
Most of the time when we’re in a rut we get critical. We dwell on stuff in the past. Or maybe we’re focusing too far into the future. All of these things can kill our momentum. Why? Because they take our eye off of two things: What we want and what we can do right now.
So here’s what to do:
Take five minutes everyday to just write down what you want on the most mundane level. What shirt do you actually feel like wearing? What food do you actually feel like eating? What route do you actually feel like driving? Don’t just follow the routine. Get out of autopilot. Dial in to what you want and then take action very simple action. Do this enough and you’ll begin to hone in on what you want on a larger level. Use this process to train yourself how to clarify what you want and follow through. Imagine you’re building a fire. Start small. Keep it simple. Get over yourself. Shoot for good enough and build from there. This is how we build momentum.
Again — start small. Commit to the smallest outcomes you want to see in the time frame you want to see it. Let go of perfection. Be prepared to fall short, to screw up, and to have off days. It’s part of the process. When you are 100% committed to seeing it through, it doesn’t matter if you stumble along the way. You know you will reach your destination through your perseverance and determination. If you really want to make progress, then seal the exits. Don’t give yourself the option to go backwards. Don’t wait for yourself to be in the mood to do it. Just do it.
Many times we’re stuck because we’re afraid to take risks and fail. So plan on it. Make failure an option. Trust that you will get up when you fall down. When you stick your neck out, you will recover. If you don’t get it right, you will be ok. Trust that you have what it takes. You do. It’s only your doubt that will have you believe otherwise.
Don’t be a lone wolf. Allow others to help you. People will have your back if you’re willing to open up and share what you’re up to. If you don’t share, you will receive no support. You’d be surprised at how much a little support and reinforcement will keep you going. Only morons believe they’re the only ones going through something. You’re not a moron.
Most of the time we’re stuck because we need a foolproof plan. This doesn’t exist. Stop trying to gauge things based on speculation about what could happen. Instead, get started and then course correct based on your actual experience. Actually do the thing and get some real world feedback. Recalibrate and move forward. Nothing is more valuable than the actual experience.
If you’re willing to stick to this checklist you will get out of a rut. I have no doubts. The challenge lies in finding the smallest step you’re willing to take. The smallest risks you’re willing to make. Reduce the challenge, reduce the risk and take action. Then repeat.
This is just one of the areas we explore in The New Man 360 audio course that covers what really matters and what really works when it comes to:
In the next episode we’re going to explore one of the basic foundations for creating and navigating relationships.
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