Everything Else, Fitness & The Body, Money & Career, Podcast Episodes, Purpose & Inner Game, Relationships & Sex

How to Avoid the Traps Most Guys Fall Into

No Comments 18 July 2014


TNM-360-Icon-1400In the second part of this series covering some of the big ideas in The New Man 360 audio course, I want to tell you about a guy I meet pretty often. In fact, I got to know him quite well. Today we’re talking about The Self-Development Jackass.

Oh yeah. I knew this guy well because he was me. Maybe you can relate to him as well.

Are You Trapped in These BS Beliefs?

Here are just some of the limiting beliefs he falls prey to from time to time:

If I just had more information, or more knowledge, or more analysis then I would feel less pain or discomfort.

In other words, The Self-Development Jackass is trying to run away from his emotions by gathering more information. For guys, our emotional world can be downright baffling. We’ve been taught to stuff it since we were little kids. We’ve learned lots of ways to go into our heads in order to escape the feelings in our bodies.

But at some point we have to realize that our true power comes online when we learn how to integrate our emotional world. Instead of fearing it and using more analysis and information to push it away, we can learn how to experience it, listen to it and let it guide us to what we truly want in our lives.

This is the pathway to feeling more alive, to feeling more fulfillment, joy, flow — it’s the pathway to feeling anything we really want to experience.

What About This One?

I can’t slow down or stop moving forward because I haven’t done XYZ yet or because there is more to improve.

In his quest to improve himself, The Self-Development Jackass has lost his ability to appreciate what he’s already accomplished and who he is in this moment. All he can see are the deficiencies. In this world, nothing is ever good enough or acceptable — but the process never ends. And this is a recipe for depression and exhaustion.

The truth is we’ll never find satisfaction and fulfillment in whatever we’re creating if we can’t be grateful for what we already have. In other words — we need to learn how to appreciate what we’ve got while also having a strong desire for what we’re creating.

Or Maybe This One?

If I just get this technique, this model, or information ‘correct’, then I’ll never feel scared, vulnerable, or challenged again. I’ll be free from the bullshit life throws my way.

This is where the Self-Development Jackass believes there is a panacea — a velvet-rope VIP area where a special few are rewarded for their efforts and finally freed of the challenges life throws our way — specifically the things that scare us or have us feel vulnerable.

We tell ourselves that once we cross this finish line that we’ll finally be free to live how we really want to live. We’ll be free to do what we really want to do. We’ll give ourselves permission to finally relax and create the life we want.

There is no such place. For anyone. It doesn’t matter how much money or knowledge or body fat you may have. If you actually want to feel alive there’s always a risk close by. There’s always vulnerability.

So while you can improve your abilities to handle what life throws at you, don’t fall into the trap that says you’ll ever be exonerated from these challenges. Instead get out there, be willing to take some risks, and live your life instead of waiting until it’s safe.

It’s Time to Dive Deeper

So these are just some of the traps I talk about avoiding in The New Man 360 audio course that covers what really matters and what really works when it comes to:

  • Dialing in Your Mindset
  • Avoiding Traps
  • Getting out of Ruts
  • Navigating Relationships
  • Aligning Your Work in the World
  • As well as the practices that will actually make this stuff stick.

Click here to learn more about The New Man 360.

In the next episode, we’re going to explore a checklist I’ve used to help myself and many others get out of a rut.

Everything Else, Fitness & The Body, Money & Career, Podcast Episodes, Purpose & Inner Game, Relationships & Sex

Why Most Guys Hit the Wall

Comments Off 16 July 2014


TNM-360-Icon-1400In this series of short podcast episodes I’m going to share some of the big ideas I teach as part of The New Man 360 audio course.

That said, let’s dive in and discuss why so many guys hit the wall even if it appears — from the outside — that their personal lives, their relationships, and their career all seem to be doing just fine.

Playing a Role

As men we often define our lives by our job or what we do — I’m a coach, a lawyer, an entrepreneur, a cafeteria worker. We may have trained ourselves from an early age to be a “good boy” or a “good student”.

The problem is that this mindset is simply focused on playing a role. It’s about performance. It’s about meeting some imagined external expectation about who we should be or who we’re supposed to be. In this mindset we’ve allowed ourselves to succumb to an external authority.

The theory goes — “If I do what I should do, if I do what a good guy or good student or good husband or good father or successful professional is supposed to do then I will be lit up. I’ll feel peaceful. I’ll be loved. I’ll feel free. If I follow the rules then I’ll be fulfilled.”

It sounds good, right?

This Idea is Bullshit

The heavy cost of this mindset is that most of us end up on autopilot lumbering through our lives playing a role instead of actively creating the experiences we most deeply want. We end up wasting our lives.

Many guys drive themselves to exhaustion and depression and dysfunction because they’re ignoring their own inner authority. They’re following the external rules instead of listening to their inner wisdom. They’re ignoring their own unique sense of what will have them feel freedom, love, passion, and peace.

To avoid this wall and the sense of a wasted life we need to develop and follow our own inner authority. This means we need to be willing to ditch the roles and orient our lives around what actually strengthens us. And this is about the time the voices of doubt and resistance show up.

Here Comes the Doubt and Fear

“But if I only do what I want isn’t that selfish? Isn’t that narcissistic? Won’t I be a lousy person or professional or husband or father if I’m taking time away from that stuff to focus on what feeds me?”

Good point. The fear is that if we do what truly feeds us then that means we’re going to damage the other things we really care about. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Who Do You Want in Bed with Your Wife?

Consider this idea — What if it’s not a choice between either what strengthens you or protecting what you love? What if taking the time and energy to do what invigorates you has you be a better husband and father? What if doing the things that have you feel more peaceful and free also have you be more creative and productive at work?

The bullshit belief is that we have to deprive ourselves in order to do or be our best. We’ve bought into this weak idea that caring for ourselves is selfish or bad or wrong.

But let me ask you this… Which version of yourself would you prefer to be in your office or in bed with your wife or playing with your kids? The one who is drained, checked out, resentful, or toxic? Or the one who is invigorated, present, open-hearted, and playful?

The Bottom Line?

Don’t use your job or your family to justify self-deprivation. Don’t blame them.

Challenge the idea that says you’ll be fulfilled if you simply do what you imagine others expect of you.

Instead, begin experimenting with action. Start small. Very small. You don’t need a plan. You simply need to start experimenting and gathering data around what actually has you feel more alive or more free or more loving or more peaceful.

This is how you develop your sense of inner authority. This is how you slowly let go of role playing and step fully into a life that you truly love.

This is Just the Tip

Now there are many, many more big ideas and practical lessons in The New Man 360 audio course. The New Man 360 covers what really matters and what really works when it comes to:

  • Dialing in Your Mindset
  • Avoiding Traps
  • Getting out of Ruts
  • Navigating Relationships
  • Aligning Your Work in the World
  • As well as the practices that will actually make this stuff stick.

Click here to learn more about The New Man 360.

In the next episode, we’re going to explore how to avoid some of the biggest traps many guys fall into.

Money & Career, Podcast Episodes, Purpose & Inner Game

TNM 158: Steven Kotler – The Rise of Superman

1 Comment 17 June 2014


Do you think flow or “the zone” is only for pro athletes, daredevils, or musicians?

Do you have to risk your life in order to feel more alive?

And what’s the best thing to do if you feel trapped in a dead end job?

The Rise of Superman author Steven Kotler is here to discuss the keys for experiencing flow — that peak state of mind where time shifts and our mental and physical capabilities are multiplied.

In this interview:

  • Why so many people hate what they do
  • Why you’re capable of far more than you think
  • Why you don’t have to be Laird Hamilton to get in the zone
  • How flow impacts every area of our lives
  • The downside of flow

Click here to learn about how you can create more flow in your life.

Click here to learn more about The Rise of Superman: Decoding the Science of Ultimate Human Performance by Steven Kotler.

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